I'm sure it's silly to say, but I think I've been waiting for that phone call for a very long time. He was my best friend. Truthfully. When he left, it was so sudden and it hurt. It was like we left an important conversation unfinished. After a year and a half of near silence, it was almost as if nothing had changed. It was funny because I knew it was him when he called me. People don't change as much as you think might have.

Anyways, lately things have been, well... less than okay. My biggest problem is that most of the time I have no clue where my issues stem from. I know that my emotions aren't misplaced. But, it's easy to mistake them for that because they are scattered and often unconnected. I honestly think that part comes out of just being in a scattered state of mind and being right now. But, that doesn't really help the situation nor keep me from hurting people. That's the worst too, when I hurt people. It's hard because I know I have a lot of pent up emotions, and the one pent up the most is anger. It's not an excuse, it's the truth. What am I so angry at? God and my parents, for sure. But really, I'm angry at myself. For I don't know how long I've been in this constant battle with myself. I don't even know what I'm fighting for. Control? But of course I'd be the one to take the phrase "beating yourself up about it" to a whole new extreme.

I think that at least half of my problem is that I don't really know myself. And I make the excuse that I don't have time to figure that out. I mean, really though, it's not like Life stops and waits up for you. That's just not the way it works, unfortunately, or maybe fortunately... Ever since I can remember, I've used other people to define me. Friends, enemies, random people I see on the street. It sounds crazy, I know, but it's the truth. I even said to my friend lastnight that he knew me too well. Much has changed about my situation, my circumstances, and my point of view. But who I am inside hasn't really changed all that much. I just wish I could define me. Maybe it's just easier to let people give definition. Maybe I've been avoiding that life journey or something. I don't know...

Maybe it's time for me to just say "two tears in a bucket, motherfuck it" and live for myself. It's funny how things don't necessarily occur to you until someone or several people point it out to you. I had two people say the same things to me yesterday. Things I didn't want to hear, but necessary. They pointed out to me first something that I already know: I am a Class A people pleaser. That's the kind of person I am. I thrive off of lifting other people up. Nothing wrong with that, right? Wrong. The second thing that they pointed out to me was how much I was letting that aspect of my character take over and hurt me. Everyone kind of already knows that if number one (yourself) isn't lifted up than the point of lifting someone else up is kind of defeated. What can you give if have nothing left to give? But, I don't think it really hit home until about 1 lastnight when it was thrown into my face. I have a cycle. I get so caught up in my problems (believe me, I know I've been dealt some shitty cards and they keep kicking me in the ass), I get overwhelmed, near the point of a complete breakdown, and it takes someone (if they ever come along) to grab me out of the whirlwind and stop me spinning round and round. After the dizziness has mostly abated, they shake me and tell me what's what. Those certain people are NOT who they think they are, I will tell you that right now. They come at unexpected times, knowing that they are needed, but not knowing exactly for what. They are genuine.

Authenticity. Now that's a word for discussion. I know I'm not irreproachable when it comes to the word. It takes people a while to see it, and they won't if they aren't lucky or looking for it. I wear a mask and I am guilty. But, I know that I'm tired of looking for authenticy in people and finding out how little of it there actually is. I know I'm cynical, but this is silly. The games these people play, the bullshit they spout... I know very well that no one is perfect, but this has become ridiculous, silly, pathetic...

In a very roundabout way, maybe that's why I have such an issue with friends down here. Because of the way that they are, and the way that I am... I don't want them to define me. That sounds horrible. But I think maybe that's it...

They were right when they said that one's own worst enemy is oneself. I just wish I could apologize for the way that I am. To everyone that's been hurt just because they crossed paths with me at a time like this. He said that I was phenomenal, that I had gifts. But I don't feel like a blessing. A curse is more like it. I'm not victimizing myself nor trying to make myself out to be the bad guy you're supposed to feel sorry for. That's not it all. It's hard for people to understand me when I don't understand myself. I'm a control freak at heart, and everything's out of order. It's driving me crazy. I'm driving me crazy. I have to get out before the worst happens. My mind is waning, my heart is tearing apart, my spirit is fading. I wish I could change my whole outlook overnight. But something has to change inwardly. That doesn't mean that I will feel any differently about the people down here. But, ...............................................

Can you help me? Can you help me forgive myself for everything I feel I've done wrong? Can you help me move on? I lied. I haven't completely lost myself. I still have my music... I remember the dancing... the dancing... I cried... If I could just keep my thoughts in order, my head clear... I wish that I could really ask for help, for real, that I could let go of the wheel, stop gripping it so hard, and let someone else in on my road trip. But I'm stuck. I'm stuck in myself and it's getting harder and harder to break free.

I'm not sure how to describe it... It's not good, but it's not bad. I feel like I'm coasting through, but not the good kind, it's more like the slow and steady stream of idleness. It's not like I'm doing nothing. I mean, I have a job and I'm looking for a new one. I just got back from a week-long vacation at Disneyland. I wouldn't say I go out a lot, but I do regularly visit the bookstore, go out to eat, shopping, to the movies. But, somehow, there's still something missing from my life. Last summer wasn't nearly as boring as this. But then again, I was out partying or at the club all the time. I had friends. Real friends...

That's all gone now. I live in a completely different city, almost 2 hours away from home. Gas prices are high and even though I do have a job, money is tight and I can't just go visit everyone whenever I want to. It's not that I'm not grateful that in the absence of my parents, my boyfriend and his family have reached out and shared their home and their generosity with me. I am extremely grateful. But out here, my friends are limited, my freedom is nonexistent. It is the hardest thing when we get into a fight and I want to leave the house and go somewhere but I realize that I can't because I have no money, no gas, and nowhere to go, not even a friend's house. Down here, my friends are his friends. I've done my best, but he just doesn't seem to understand that having one's own friends is essential and very much separate from being friends with your boyfriend or girlfriend's friends.

So here I am... finally alone in the bedroom... music my only companion. It's wonderful, but it makes me miss terribly what I had. I just want so bad to not feel so stuck. I think I could handle my stress and my sickness better if I didn't feel trapped. My situation isn't the first I would've picked out and I'm trying to deal with it, you know be a good sport, but my whole existence is wearing thin. I feel nothing, I mean nothing, I am nothing. Here, I am only Adam's girlfriend, an attachment, a tagalong, extraneous. I'm not saying that living in Sacramento would be any better, if I could be living there, but at least I have my own friends there. Out here, I feel so cut off from life and it's taking it's toll on me. I need a purpose, I can't just live aimlessly anymore. But, I don't know how or where to start...